I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
