Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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