Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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