if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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