So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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