the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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