I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
