your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
