it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize