i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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