The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
