My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
