Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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