peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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