C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
