I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
