You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
