you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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