i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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