There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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