I wish life had little blips of pornography
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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