Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize