I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
