I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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