Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
