I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
