Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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