I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think my moral compass just broke
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
