ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
