Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
