You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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