Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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