what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
