She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize