Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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