the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
