you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
