the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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