hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
