Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
