never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
how drunk are you?
Several
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
