We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
