Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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