It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize