its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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