I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
