So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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