At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
