Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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