I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
