Pants 0. Shit 1.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
