Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
