I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
