Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
