Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
