no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is Oprah even human
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
