I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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