As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
