I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
