You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
