This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
