Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
