I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize