if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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