Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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