I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
