You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
