dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Even my vagina gasped.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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