I wish my penis had an off switch
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
