Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
