JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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