My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
