i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
