she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
