I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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